a smattering of thoughts
come see my thoughts in a place that is NOT social media
lots of the photos are cropped weird because i'm still figuring this out...
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4/25/25 did you know that cucumbers are MELONS?? i learned this recently and needless to say, i have been shaken to my core.
i've changed my workout regimen again. the programs i was using are great, but they were taking so long each day that they became a huge chore in a way that would make me put them off! i think i'll be happy to do one again after a small break of just lifting weights and doing some simple workouts that take about 15-20 minutes for a bit. an hour of working out is great and feels good, but finding an hour to do it can feel so impossible, even when most of my work is self driven.
anime boston is coming up and i desperately need to complete two (2) tasks for this that are generally pretty simply. the due date is 5/3 and i feel motivated to try to get that shit done TODAY! time will tell. scratch that. i have discovered a new task as i am writing this! 3 tasks and a simple email that i will choose to not give the significance of a task to hopefully get it over with easier.... i miss jaylyn! they're still in china and i am so happy for them! .... and also i want to hang out. i miss doing the maid cafe with fran and jaylyn!! jaylyn hinted that they would want to come back, but i understand if fran ends up not wanting to. it really is just fun to dress up with my friends. jaylyn always has the best ideas for cosplay that i can tag myself into and just have fun in a little outfit without the pressure of I Love This Character that i have suffered in the past.
desperately attempting to Hang Out more. it has had a hit rate of maybe 75% without any thinking about it (don't want to feel sad if the hit rate is lower) and that has been nice! when people ask me to do something that feels even happier. i've noticed that spontaneous hangs have really helped me to not get into my ocd brain about leaving the house. i haven't even been planning when i'll go to the grocery store now so i don't get too in my head. this feels like a nice work around for now.
the weather is helping with my ability to hang out. the sun feels so good. it kind of stinks to have my mood sooo effected by the weather, but it means i can have some good, functional days. i took myself out to coffee after my psych appointment the other day! then grocery shopping!! then to the pharmacy even though i got the text about the medications being ready as soon as i was home and inside! though i learned my insurance isn't working until May 1?? this feels strange, but whatever i guess. i will get my medication on May 1 then!
made oatmeal cookies last night because i went to the store for dill and there was no dill but sooo much oatmeal.. i was going to half the recipe but then natalie and Q had friends visiting so why not make 100000 cookies!
1.5 cups flour
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp baking soda
0.5 tsp salt
1 cup v butter
1 cup brown sugar
0.5 cup sugar
2 flax eggs (i love the flax taste i get every once in a while when i use flax eggs)
1 tbsp molasses
2 tsp vanilla
3 cups oats
1ish cups of chocolate chips
baked for 14 minutes at 350F!
I got to see sunrot the other day with kai as the guitarist and it was so nice and fun. kai is so talented and sunrot's music is so peak. mimi drove mel, adam, and me up to boston like a trooper and a legend and i am soo grateful for them! it was such a fun night.
another fun thing!! i updated my Desk Setup for probably the last time.. i think it is perfect and complete which is Epic and Exciting. the pencil holder thing can obviously be organized better, but really i'm just happy to be all matchy and happy with it. green is so good.
4/13/25 just noticed that its homestuck day, wow
been so so tired and haven't felt like writing about things lately! i was trying to add some novelty to my life by taking myself on little walks and going to places i don't normally go, but it has been raining for what feels like 100 years! the hole they're digging in the fete parking lot looks like a pond! the weather has really negatively impacted my hip and knee pain. waking up has sometimes been solely due to the pain. the fatigue mixed with the pain has been a really awesome and epic experience.
someone hit and run my car :( thankfully i have insurance and stuff, but it is such a huge bummer. they probably have to replace like half the car which is crazy! that was a really big annoying addition to a pretty rough week. was in meltdown central all of monday, just for pippi to come in and tell me that my car was clearly hit! 'bruh'
some good things have been happening though! i have been sharing my feelings a little bit more. kai is such a help in this. our relationship feels so give and take and Equitable as far as talking about problems and i am so grateful for her.
i have been making mug cakes sometimes.
recipe:
2 tbsp sugar
1/4 tsp vanilla
pinch of salt
pinch of baking powder
1 tbsp cocoa powder (gift from alex!)
3 tbsp water
1 tbsp oil
3 tbsp flour
microwave for 1-1.5 minutes.
this is a modified recipe that i stole from chloe ting! she uses stevia and some different ingredients and this version is keeping it kinda simple! though i do want to try it with some chocolate chips... but its pretty satisfying for little late night sweet thing! its like not sooo good that i want another!
arms are sort of visibly getting stronger! able to lift things easier and that is so cool. i need to keep up with it. wish that working out didn't make me sweaty, it would be so much easier to do if i wasn't icky after.
its soo hard being so normal all the time
3/6/25 tried a new recipe sort of! got the idea from the website i'm using for a workout regimen (this has helped me feel a bit more inspired to workout) and the recipe seemed meh so i made it up! it turned out pretty good!
half block silken tofu
2 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder
1/8 cup sugar (ish)
a few chocolate chips
frozen strawberries as garnish but honestly would probably be really good if it were put w the rest
2 tbsp water
I put all of the ingredients together in the blender and blended it until it was all combined! i ended up adding a few more chocolate chips for Joy's sake. I let it set overnight in the fridge because i added too much water and it was smoothie-like in texture.
it was really good and felt happy to eat a little pudding i made myself.
did a big haircut!! kai helped me cut my hair into a chelsea cut!! i have never had shaved top of head and its very cool. i felt :( about my hair in its ugly bowl cut, but now i feel really happy about it! feel pretty confident! never expected that to be the case.
had a stressful time with a flat tire. filled my tire to about 25psi because that's all it would get to ( could eventually hear the air leaking out ) and then drove to the wrong tire place that was so busy i couldn't get in! drove to the correct one and by the time i was 900ft away (i could SEE IT) my tire was completely empty and i was just sccccraping the concrete with my rim. i felt so anxious and tight in my chest from the stress. the problem was solved so quickly though! they had the air tool to get the lug nuts off (I COULDN'T GET THEM OFF BY HAND!!) and it took like maybe ten minutes because another guy also pulled up. when i scccraped past a guy sitting (i entered through the exit of the lot accidentally) he yelled "happens to the best of us!" and it helped the feeling in my chest to not be so tight.
3/3/25 continuing to feel so tired constantly! forcing myself to not nap feels like a job because i'm so fatigued! this seems not normal idk!
yesterday my tire popped while i was going to pick Q up and that really sucks! we were going to get food together and i felt bad with them having to take a rideshare back from work. i tried so hard to change my tire and i simply Could Not get the lug nuts off. i fear that i'll have to do a dumb AAA call or something just to swap it and i really don't want that! xander was kind enough to lend me her tire inflator, so hopefully that can get me to The Tire Store so i can get New tire :( why do tires cost one million dollars per tire???
started the process of figuring out some Rejection i've been feeling! didn't feel capable of processing it or even really Feeling it yet, but it was good to get the Figuring started at least.
cut my hair last night into a somewhat acceptable pixie cut despite craving long hair again. the last time my hair was able to get long was because i didn't notice it growing over the course of a couple years but its so easy to notice when short hair grows... ugh. this feels like such a small thing to deal with in the grand scheme, but i have such a fractured sense of self and if i dislike my hair it becomes a whole Thing in my head. also i can Feel that the back doesn't look how i want it to, but cutting the back of my hair is just so Hard and often fruitless.
working out has felt really rough with how tired i feel. ive still done it every day, but the steam is hard to find. instead of the cardio thing i was doing, i've been finding myself just jogging in place for like half a mile to a mile so i don't have to focus on a workout routine that has unfortunately gotten too repetitive. sure i can find a new one, but then i would have to focus on that video. everything feels like a foolish circle. so doing the jogging in place with some random other things in the mix has helped. still liking pushups! haven't really noticed any different in my body since working out started and i think that feels a little annoying. i know i haven't been doing it that long, but Any results would be nice. i don't really want to take pictures of myself posing to show stuff off because i don't want to get all EDy about it! this along with trying to pay attention just the right amount to what nutrients i'm eating makes me want to stay on the safe side as to feel more normal about it.
been drawing a lot and trying to feel productive with no employer besides myself right now. finally got to tattoo one of the cameos and i am sooo happy about it. it turned out amazing and i really can't wait to see it healed on nat. it was their first tummy tattoo and they sat so well! kind of been giving myself work hours throughout the day. sun up meaning time to get stuff done! sun down meaning okay feel free to kind of fuck off and do what you want.
having a couple warmer days mixed in made me feel a bit more alive honestly. maybe the fatigue will fade with spring here? (i've also started taking b12 and iron! both very recently! iron is every other day with vitamin c. did you know it won't metabolize or something without vitamin c?? and that you shouldn't take it every day???)
spent a lot of time at autumn's house cat and frog sitting! she used the right name and pronouns for me and it felt really happy. i don't plan on coming out to my family any time soon, but she's on social media so she sort of just Got It lol. i knew she'd be normal about it anyway.
friend got a job working for live nation and i feel like that would be so fun, but they haven't emailed me back and that is simply so tragic. i feel like being security would make me even more motivated to get buff (my ultimate goal with working out despite doing cardio for a couple weeks)
2/24/25 feeling so absolutely tired these days. i've felt fatigue for years, but lately its been bad enough that i'm actually taking naps and falling asleep. i wonder what's up.
had the first litterbug practice today and that was so much fun. its so nice to hang with crash and emy! making sounds and adding cicadas is kind of Very Awesome and Fun.
maybe some of the tired is coming from the fact that i've been hanging out with people? hosting them in my home feels so joyous, but it does suck to feel tired from not having any alone time.. that feels a bit uncool. i have probably been feeling more emotionally distraught tham usual and i'm sure that isn't helping.
at least i've been talking to luke more often. that feels healing and happy.
hard to be to tired and still always feel so Alone! want to hang out, but i'm so tired and this loops into itself in a really frustrating way.
i'm liking how journal-esque this feels, but it's like i'm writing letters to jaylyn and luke. if no one is reading this, the two of you must have been teleported to an island with no computers. it feels good to read it back as well. even when it's a couple of days ago, i still tend to forget like Everything.
even forgot that alex was here for a couple of days and he has actively texted me saying Thank You for the haircut, tattoo, and nails i did for him. wonder why i'm so forgetful? it was nice to hang out with him! we went to the WCH artist talks and everyone was so inspiring. that happens every time i listen to another artist talk or do their art though. love that.
although despite this, i'm feeling kind of art blocked. all i want to do is tattoo! only getting a couple people booking! please let me tattoo you!!
2/19/2025 THE BIG FAKE EGG UPDATE!!
okay so i sort of followed this recipe which calls for:
1 cup nondairy milk
1½ tsp salt
"lots of cracked black pepper"
2 tbsp neutral oil
1 tsp baking powder
2 tbsp nutritional yeast
¼ tsp garlic powder
1/4 tsp onion powder
Optional: ½ tsp black salt (kala namak) if you like a real eggy flavour
i think that Liv made a great attempt and that if you want a more Granola look to your fake egg, it would for sure be achieved with that recipe! i was also trying to make this for a breakfast sandwich, so the option on the right is just not quite as ideal.
changes i made:
as a baseline, i wanted to use lentils! DP has soo many lentils (not as many now bc EXYL used a ton and I used up the last bit of the red lentils) and i didnt feel like seeking out different dried beans when I already had so many at my disposal. was also scared to make a purchase for this and then make something that sucks and that i don't want to eat.
i still left the red lentils out to soak overnight! they were nice and soft by this afternoon when i was putting stuff together. i put everything in the blender and used that to combine it! we didn't have onion powder, i used extra garlic powder, neutral oil was canola, nondairy milk was unsweetened edensoy (thank you Kai!), and i really did put Lots of black pepper! i didn't put black salt because i kind of wanted to see how i liked it without it and its sooo easy to accidentally go overboard with that stuff.
right off the bat, the recipe seemed a bit watery! this could have been my fault for not draining enough, but there really wasn't that much water in them so i'm not sure. when i put it on the pan i was worried that it would stick to the pan a bunch and sadly it did! this may have been a symptom of heat that was too high mixed with the watery blended stuff. i used about half of the liquid getting the weird mound of egg in the previous picture. i felt like it was just too wet and not really cooking through because it kept getting too thick and just burning the outside bits :( something had to change!
i looked at other recipes and saw that a lot of them were using some flour! i put in about 1/3 cup of flour to the remaining half and blended again! this gave me the texture i was really hoping for!! going forward i will for sure do that again.
with flour (very pancake esque)
without flour (had to change pans bc it was burning to the bottom without cooking in the middle)
going forward i think this will be my recipe for fake egg:
blender!!!
3/4 cup dried lentils of some sort (soaked overnight)
1 cup nondairy milk (or water tbh)
1 tsp salt
vibes based amount of cracked black pepper
2 tbsp oil
1 tsp baking powder
2 tbsp nutritional yeast
1 tsp garlic powder
2/3 cup flour
blend everything together! cook on the stove top with low heat and treat them like pancakes!
don't worry, the ugly one will still be eaten! it's just in the fridge for an upcoming breakfast sandwich :)
this was fun to do! feels good to try cooking things! been a little while! is depression even real??? (joke)
outfit from the valentine's show! had to Pay Attention to make sure my boobs were remaining where they belonged
2/18/25 forgot i should probably date these..
i have been yearning. need to make art about it. have been feeling more and more Up while trying to feel comfortable about myself. they were not joking when they said that working out makes you feel better? my blood is flowing and i can't stop drawing.
i was able to go grocery shopping and get a new sheet. thank you Kai for coming with/inviting me! i have had a huuuuge hole in my sheet (my first sheet i got when moving out) for a couple of weeks now and every time i laid down i had to take psychic damage because i could Feel it.
poor emily has had a cold for so long so we didn't get to go out on valentine's day, but i did get to take Kai out for breakfast sandwich.
i found a recipe for fake eggs that i really want to try! i'm going to use red lentils and Other Ingredients to see if it hits the way i want it to. technically the recipe calls for mung beans, but i already have red lentils, so red lentils it will get. if it's good, i'll share it and say any changes i end up making.
i get to meet autumn's cat tomorrow! that will be so nice!
feeling heartbreak over change is so Much and with everything happening, it's hard to not dissociate constantly (currently writing this while dissociating.) trying to ground myself in small happiness. getting to marble paper and screenprint with Kai. making a little valentine. making dinner.
my celebratory sandwich after work on wednesday was really good. today i made a strawberry, banana, and protein shake stuff smoothie and it was tasty and relaxing. been really into coldish food lately.
focusing on the sound of the rain to keep myself sane
waking up at 7 feels good, but it means that late nights feel impossible.
the valentines show is tomorrow and im so excited to see everyone play. emily and i are going to take each other on a date to make the day feel less alone. plus i miss emily. hoping he brings petunia so i can babysit her while he works.
im going to get so strong
using words that aren't "good" or "nice" to describe things i like doesn't feel genuine... am i even allowed to say something was "tasty"
proof of fun new tattoo! (other new tattoo hidden for fun)
she got me into playing fortnite only to become obsessed with a book series...
watching the snow last night was really pleasant. it started earlier than i thought it would so when i looked over it was such a happy surprise. i had plans for today, but it seems like none of it will be happening which is kind of a good thing.
going into the final week of the baby store means its probably going to be pretty overwhelming, especially since i'm feeling a bit sick (thank you every single baby who coughed onto my face.) it seems like i'll probably be put in the crawlers room which is nice because i like hanging out with ang, but bad because that room is great for getting coughed on. life has so many trials and tribulations. i am the first to discover this.
things i am excited for this week: hanging out with Kai on thursday! valentine's day in general, but also her show! celebratory sandwich at the end of my baby store work week!
forgot how somewhat brutal healing a machine tattoo is, but i now have a very cute couple of dudes on my upper arm! they are soo scabby and icky, excited for this to be over. why did they invent being itchy? eli kauffman did a painting of bug and me and it is so beautiful and RED! they gave me a little anchor tattoo on my upper arm because i didn't have anything up there and it was such a rhode island Moment.
did you know fortnite is actually kind of fun?
proof that we know each other
feeling so strange and so fatigued but INVIGORATED!
i have one remaining week at the baby store and i am so excited to be done. who knows where my odd job adventures will take me next. i want to stop working places where i end up caring about my work. i love to learn and get better at tasks, but that's different.
finally went food shopping and got to talk to Q which was so nice. i was food shopping with tori and that was really fun even though we were both so burnt afterwards.
i have a winter jacket now! (thank you dad) after my other one from dear autumn was never returned, i've just been soo cold since. i've never had such a nice, warm jacket. happy to have something that will last for a long time. keep using kind of crappy items and then being sad when they kind of suck. jackets really are an item worth investing in i guess!
the angels market was today and i am so grateful to the others for manning the ship today! i didn't have it in me, but so grateful for the opportunity. remy and bug have been too tired to really tell us how it went, but im really hoping it was a good day for them!
such a fun time going to silly cabin with sean. the weather was so cold and it was so nice to just be warm together. so nice to be together again! we also got to play baldur's gate some more and its so fun!
vacation was so much fun!!! casinos are insane???
hot pot!! it was my first time doing it and i think its possible that i am Not made for it... what about mildly cooled down pot... just an idea.
aquarium day to go see the animal crossing stuff and the FISH
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